I had another post in my head. But. Well, I’m not sure. Here lately, I miss Uganda. Like, a lot. Of course I love it here. It’s home. It’s easy. But it can get busy. We keep our days simple, home, reading and learning and schooling. But, I don’t want to fill my days and nights with things that don’t matter. About 4 weeks before we left Uganda, when I thought we were getting close to going home, Eric and I both started grieving our time there. Our friends. Missing the time we were all together, all Ugandan, our second home, our second church, our family, our friends that quickly turned family there. Thinking maybe, just maybe, God would call us back here.
Then things changed. Things got harder, things didn’t get approved, we were waiting even longer than expected, we had to make decisions about Eric and the kids leaving. It was just hard. And we focused on the hard. We made other people focus on the hard. We didn’t point others to Jesus, I felt like, at the end. And then, we were approved, and we were leaving. And by that time, it was just Judah and I. And we celebrated, but we mourned. And we got ready to get onslaught by the Christmas season in America.
And so we came home and we tried to settle in and those first 6 weeks, they were hard. They were easier than Uganda, but they were hard. Lots of parties and expectations and having to say no, and having to protect our bonding and having to deal with issues and exhaustion and beads and gifts and others’ expectations and no schedule. I knew I wasn’t ready to jump back into our school. I wanted to enjoy our first time home, but having not a great schedule didn’t help us settle in.
So finally, after New Years we’ve been able to settle in better, get some semblance of routine. My big 2 have stepped it up. They still have their times of difficulty, but overall, they’ve been extremely helpful. They listen well and are doing what is asked. Judah is the same. He is understanding more and more and is wanting to please. But my third born, she’s struggling more than I saw in the beginning. She’s grieving not being the baby. And it’s pronounced by her fits and screams of NO and I CAN’T, followed by Judah’s obedience and showing her that she could.
And so our days are good but parts are tough. Many days I feel like a failure at the end of the day. I lost my temper, or I yelled, or I put something else above what one of my kids needed that day. But then, God give me glimpses of joys and wins and love that day. I’ve been able to connect with friends we made there. When I think of our time there, and my kids do too, we have such joy and happy memories. Sometimes I’ll be talking to Marissa or texting Brittanie or thinking of Michele and I tear up. It’s so different now. It’ll never be the same. Cara wants it to be the same with Chapel so bad, but they’re 8 and you know how quickly 8 year olds change, and it hurts my heart.
I’ve recently found a few bloggers or missionaries that are there. I’ve been reading their posts and missing Uganda so bad. We felt like long-term travelers there. We could never really settle. We had to be able to move or change at a moments notice in case things went our way. Then, we had to move quick because they didn’t and we just couldn’t afford to stay where we were. Twice.
And I look back and pray I didn’t waste time. I pray that we get to go back sooner than 5 years. I think, was God preparing us for something and now we’re missing it? We felt like we could settle there and got comfortable with talking about it even, and now we are fully immersed back in our culture and sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it. I feel like we are poster children now, and I’m fine with that, we knew that might happen. But that doesn’t mean our hearts get a break. My longing for the Lord’s leading is as strong as ever. We are not ‘finished’ with our adoption. Legally and spiritually. This will be a long road for both. And God is not finished with us. But we are just praying to get a glimpse of what is next.
Our church postponed ‘orphan sunday’ so that we could participate. So our pastor has been asking us questions about ‘what would a win for orphan care look like after a sunday like this,’ ‘what lies can we dispel,’ ‘what organizations, internationally and locally can we support.’ And some friends and I have back with things like ‘what way can we as the church help to prevent orphans,’ ‘what is the body willing to do to support those that are called to orphan care, even when it looks different than expected,’ and others.
So now we are here in this weird spot. I can’t really explain it. Except that it’s weird. I look at pictures and remember good times and even read of others there now and I get so sad we’re not there. Then I’m happy we’re not. And I wonder if I will ever not miss it. My friend Tonya has gone and come back and I know the photos will slow down from her. So, that’s what was on my heart tonight. I’m sorry it’s a little all over the place, but welcome to my head :). Prayers are appreciated for all those that are recently home from bringing a child home, or welcoming one into their home.